I never knew how much it would affect me, seeing my last baby-less friend's little girl. I was so nervous going up to the hospital to see her, there was no reason to be. It might be hard to believe, but at 27 I am the last girl in my family (of baby making age) not to have a child, and there was only me and K left in in our group of friends. She was the girl that I went clubbing with, that I spent sleepless nights drinking, dancing and just acting the fool with, and the one I thought would be with me in the childless corner. Now don't get me wrong, I have been super excited for her during her pregnancy, and as supportive as possible with it all. But, when I first got the news that she was pregnant, I cried. How could this be happening? K was devastated she was pregnant, she was nervous about telling me, but I told her that this was a blessing. She would be a fantastic mum (which I still believe), and I told myself to get over it, and got excited about it all. But during the last few months, with two weeks of every month, getting sick as a dog, and hoping and praying for a lil test to show 2 lines, and a specialist appointment looming, its been getting harder. Id walk in to her nursery and a big part of me aches for this to be my turn. The night before I got the message that she had had the baby I couldnt sleep. I went out to Dave at one stage, close to tears, I was now going to be alone, my friend would never be the same. No longer would I have the carefree K, the one who would sit and smoke, and be childless like me, she would soon have the responsibilities of being a mum, and would now be one of 'them'. She would have her birth and pregnancy stories to tell, she would have all the sleepless nights, the babies firsts, and the baby to hold in her arms. She would be that special person to a lil girl, she would be her Mum. So finally after a sleepless night, I got to work in the morning, and got a message on my phone that she had gone into labour the night before, and had had baby. I was excited, firstly and foremost, I was excited and wanted to hug both mum and dad and give my best wishes, after all what a miracle and honestly at that stage, nothing else mattered. It didn't matter that I wasn't pregnant, it didn't matter that we have no children, I was just excited. I couldn't wait to see both baby and K. When it got time to go to the hospital, I was so nervous. I felt sick to the stomach and had the sherbet feeling in my back, which of course went away as soon as I saw them both. I stayed for a few hours, so excited and absolutely adoring watching doting dad and proud mum, and loving the snuggles with the not so little, little girl. But then I left for home. I wanted to cry so much. Why is this the way it is? Y am I spending so much time struggling for a child, when I want one so badly? Y do all the people who don't deserve children have them so easily? But I realise now, that every now and then, you see a baby who wasn't originally wanted, but once born will be so loved, so adored, and the centre of the universe for one loving couple, and it makes it all hurt just that little bit less.
