Fears

There are many things I fear in this world, some rational, some very irational, but I have had to face many in 2010.

Some of my fears
1. Losing my husband
2. Losing my sister/mum
3. Being poor
4. Being homeless
5. Living with my folks again.

My husband and I have been close to splitting a few times, but over the last year we seem to have welded ourselves together much more firmly. So I feel quite content.

We came very close to losing my sister in June. She broke her neck during an epileptic seizure. The broken neck was left undiagnosed for 4 days by  our hospital and was picked up by our local GP. He is our angel.

In February the Insulation scheme in Australia went bust. Both hubby and I  and my family were involved. We were left with nothing at a moments notice. We were without jobs for 6 weeks and came very close to not being able to afford to pay our rent or buy food. It is nearing Christmas and we are only just getting on top of everything now. I NEVER want to be back in that position. This time last year we had a few thousand tucked away, bills paid without thinking, they just came out of our account, and we were quite content about going into xmas. This year we live week to week and are scared stiff that we wont be able to afford it. But such is life, we have a roof over our heads.

And to top all this off, my folks are moving in with us on Saturday. Dont get me wrong, I love my mum to bits, but my dad is an alcoholic and we clash big time. I have very definite ideas on how he should treat my mum, unfortunately he doesnt agree. So it will be a big learning experience in patience. That and hoping that we use the opportunity to save money and that they get back on their feet sooner rather than later.

eek

Gyno appointment

So I had my follow up Gyno appointment this morning and the news sucked honestly. D's sperm analysis came back ok except for 98% abnormality. They expect that with healthy lifestyle it should go down. My doc said though that if it doesnt, then we have no other option except IVF. I also am required to lose 15kg by my next appointment. He wants me to seriously consider weight loss surgery. 

I am pretty devastated by the news. I think this is the first time I have really looked at the possiblity that we might have to do IVF. And I know there are so many people who have to, but I just didnt want to. I wanted to fall pregnant easily, have my beautiful healthy babies and just be normal. Why can't life be like this? Why does it all have to be so fucking difficult?

Getting healthy

noodlepadoodle.com

I have my appointment with my gyno tomorrow. I have failed to lose weight (I gained 7kg) and I am really unhealthy. I have been following a lady on twitter who has done a detox for the last week or so and is doing quite well. It's time I did another. It has been probably about 4-5 years since I have done a proper cleanse. I keep wanting to but never really follow it through. I am super unhealthy, living on pain killer and have to break this cycle. I will be doing fruit, veg, nuts and leave white meats. I am hauling D in for the ride. Thankfully we freakin get paid tonite. 

On the home front, I rehomed my beautiful Bella last night. 

We had to get rid of her friend a few weeks ago as he kept digging and we are in a rental house. Since then she has become lonely and moping. She unfortunately also decided she was going to attack small animals. Since we are about to start fertility treatments we realised a. we dont have the time she needs, and b. do we want her around a baby. We have been keeping her inside so honestly it was time for her to be placed somewhere else. We found a wonderful lady who had a 1 year old boy who needed a friend. She is super wonderful with her boy, and I believe Belle is going to love her new home. Though this didnt stop me sobbing last night having to say goodbye. I am very very grateful to the wonderful lady for helping us, but feel a massive amount of guilt that I gave away my girl. 

Housewise, we are doing ok.Kitchen has been cleaned each night, and more and more crap is being put away. I am hoping to sort out the office this weekend, and that will be the last room done. From there it is just a matter of tidying each day, and doing a thorough, deep clean. I am hoping to do this over the next few weekends before xmas. This will be one less thing taking up my time and energy. 

Still no pay

Im getting impatient. We expected D's pay to go in on Thursday night, it's now Tuesday and nothing. I would'nt care so much if this was a year ago. We would have had a few k in the bank which was a bit of an emergency fund. The last year though we have been living week to week. It's more than a lil scary.


Today I'll put some money in the car, but I think I might have to do some cooking tonite for lunches tomorrow. On the bright side, the shopping I do once we are paid should last the two weeks.


My plan this week is to organise the fridge and pantry.


Will get a few baskets (just plastic $2 ones) for spices and bottles
wait for Penny Miller catalogue to grab a can organiser and shelf insert
Put all flours/box mixes in plastic stackable containers
Spices in basket

Howards Storage

Later On
Produce bins for onions, potato & pumpkin & Plate Stacker (but Ill need to get a round dinner set for that)

Howards Storage World

Howards Storage World
Plate Stacker

I also like the drawer dividers from Howards Storage World, though Im sure Id be able to pick up similar from ebay or ikea. I also need to clean out my drawers. how do people get away with only this many items. Well this is just for show. But only one drawer full? Do they have some on the bench? I like the wooden handles on these. And the white plastic with them. I'm also thinking that I need to put out silver cutlery away and buy a cheap set for daily use. The good ones are getting rust on them from the dishwasher (easily scrubbed off tho), but the set is too big to fit in the drawers. The other option is to make custom dividers.

Food Prep wise: I want to try the Sunday Set-up Idea from Kathy Kaehler. 

Organise all meals, do the prep work and put them in snaplock containers in the fridge. Then when D & I are feeling lazy, its just a matter or pulling out the components and putting on the stove. Plus I can keep it all quite healthy. Woolworths has the containers for $3 each this week. I can also then get D another lunchbox and cooler bag and set up his lunches for the week also. 

It all sounds ok to me.

Another freaking Cyst

Yep that's correct, I had ANOTHER cyst burst on saturday. I have no idea why they are becoming so regular, but this one freakin hurt. It is Monday morning and I am still feeling the pain. Saturday and Sunday I spent basically in the foetal position trying to keep movement to a minimum. Poor hubby had to help me even roll over in bed. Today is just the remaining dull ache.

Hubby got his sperm analysis results back. Quantity Motility all good, Abnormality is at 98%. We are suprised the quantity and motility are good. We were expecting the worst. We are not suprised by the abnormality. Hubby is overweight, nowhere near healthy and has had an infection in his below region for the last two years. This was fixed up by surgery at the beginning of November. But this has spurred us on. A healthy change is necessary if we are wanting children.

With the cysts, I am needing to get stuff organised. I will be stocking up on supplements for us both over the weekend and hopefully in the next 3 months will start to see a difference.

For Hubby: Menevit, Maca Root, Lecithin, fish oil

Me: Saw Palmetto, Vitex, elevit, metformin, natural progesterone cream

The World is pushing down

picture from Health Spa Blog

So to add insult to injury, we woke up this morning to find D had not been paid. This would have been an intentional thing from his work, as they had a go at him yesterday for not handing in his timesheet. Which yep his error, but they knew he worked, he spoke on the phone to his manager about it. Why the fuck can they do this. We honestly live week to week at the moment. I hate doing it, but we are just not getting anywhere money wise and have to. So this has really caused an issue. 

Saving money. Ok what can we do?

1. Not pay any bills this week - eek theres going to be lots of phone calls to do that

2. Eat out of the cupboard - I dont freaking keep much in my cupboard....oh well time to get clever

3. Dont drive around anywhere. Yeah like thats going to be easy

Fuck, I know its not a big list, but we had a car payment come out this week. I have agreed to pay a few things, I wanted to eat. Oh well good time to lost a few kgs I suppose.

Why can't life be simple?

On the flip side (I have to find one to keep sane), its the lil push we needed to really knuckle down and save. So Foxtel will be getting turned off, 2nd car will be sold, time to declutter the home, and rethink our spending in all areas. 

Im sorry xmas, you have been cancelled.

BIPOLAR - Why I hate your guts

Let me start off by saying that I love my husband. He is one of the best things that have ever happened to me, and I can't imagine being without him.

That being said, I hate his Bipolar. Bipolar is one of the hardest things I have ever had to face.

I try to see Bipolar as separate to him, it isn't really, but it helps me get through some of 'those' days. Today is one of those days. See, I just got a call from hubby, work isn't going so well. Things are getting nasty and the way its looking it wont be long until he calls me telling me one of two things: he has either quit or been fired. Now I'd like to say that this isn't a common thing, unfortunately it is.

For some reason everything is horrid, the world is against him, they are all morons, the place is shit. Don't think I don't believe him, some things do seem really crap. But not everything is on their part, D has a part in it too. The bipolar in him is aggressive, it takes things and twists them around and turns them into something they're not. It can make an innocent issue turn into some cruel vendetta marked for him. I just wish we could find a way for it not to be the case. How do we turn paranoia, aggression, impatience and lack of organisation around, so that he remains employable?

When I was younger I always saw my hubby as successful, stable, supportive, and at times he fits the bill, just not at the moment. The Capricorn in me needs this, the Bipolar in him though needs something different. Bipolar in all honesty is such a selfish condition. I'll try to sound as unselfish as possible. Sometimes it is about me too. But hell thats another post..

Just wanted to say BIPOLAR SUX

a great post

Just wanted to link this great post.. I totally agree, and it had me in tears to know that someone 'got it'. I dont think I really have anyone around me who does. And while yes there are people who have struggled, they already have children. I know this is horrible to say, but they have been given that chance. I still dont know if I ever will...

http://www.fromiftowhen.com/2010/11/what-fertile-woman-doesnt-know.html

Adoption and all the hoo-haa

I must be naive. Or maybe I just see the world in too many rainbows.

I have been reading blogs, (as I do a lot) and there was one woman blasted by posting a adoption terminology post. Keep in mind that she did not write it, she was researching and came across it. Well done to her for trying to be as educated about the process as possible for the child she welcomes into her life.

Now having said that, there were many many comments that were quite nasty to her. And so many negative ones. Now forgive me for my naivety, but I was under the impression that opening up your home to a child was a kind, loving and thoughtful thing. Apparently not. Apparently its a negative thing. There were posts about how selfish it is, that its a negative situation. There were a lot of really angry words from people who had been adopted and many who had adopted children. Am I just seeing this through rose colored glasses? In today's world (Im not talking 30-50 years ago), adoption is something that someone works really really hard to be accepted into and waits and waits praying that they may be given the greatest gift of becoming a parent. Now these people are condemned? What sort of world are we living in? These children for whatever reason, some good, some bad, were no longer able to be raised by their parents and are placed with people who want nothing more than to raise them. How is this a negative thing? I know I'm rambling here, following no real sequence, but I'm just so frustrated.

In Australia, we don't have the option of inter-country adoption, and overseas adoption is near impossible. Personally, we are having to choose between buying a home or getting IVF, and chances are we will choose IVF. Now if a child was placed with me, from what ever circumstance, how could it be negative. I would raise that child with all the love possible, in a safe, stable environment. Please tell me this is a bad thing?

There were also saying that parenting is so much harder then trying for a baby. Maybe it is, but I'll swap a 16 year old rebellious teenager any day, with my current prospect of living without children. Fine...tell me its harder, but lets wait until I have a child in my arms, because right now, this is the biggest struggle I have ever had to face...and Ive had to face a few.

The World is the cruelest thing

So follow on from my post about the two week wait...I am now at day 36.

Now don't get too excited...Any normal person would be getting excited about this. Yeah but not me. I get a feeling of dread.

Ok so lets look at the symptoms I am experiencing:

No Period
Sore Breasts
Complete exhaustion, Im talking a weekend of not much else but sleep
Nausea every morning, and well afternoons also and evenings

So 4 pretty big ones....but guess what...Welcome to PCOS.

It SUX!

I get it, I understand it does this to me, but there will always be a small part of me (hey even big part of me) that holds out, hoping that I am pregnant. But I know that without fail, I take a pregnancy test and then either that afternoon or the next morning Aunt Flo comes knocking.

I don't understand, why does the universe have to be so cruel? I'm sitting here literally trying to swallow the ick from my throat, feeling the nausea creeping up, and just know that its nothing. Well nothing that turns into a baby anyway. I think I could handle the stress of not conceiving if I didnt have a constant reminder every couple of months of what its like to feel pregnant and to go through that week or two wondering 'what if'. And I know most would say just take a test, just to make sure. But honestly its more heartbreaking seeing a lil single line, than it is to find out Aunt Flo arrived.

till next time
moby

WAHM.....well not so much the Mum part

I really want to break into the work at home field, how do I do it? I have been checking out a few different ideas and nothing seems to be working. Hubby suggests that I spend a few months sewing, working up a bit of stock and then hit the markets. I am not 100% sure on this. If I make say, 5 burp cloths an hour, I can sell 3 for $20. So approx $40 an hour I get in hand, materials around $15 an hour, Im working for $25 an hour. And thats 'if' I can do 5. Im not 100% sure that I can. Hell I havent even got one made.

Other options....

Product reviews, I can do this, I'll get maybe $1 per review, it will take about 30mins per review. ummm $2 an hour?? I dont think so.

Writing articles..I dont think my writing skills are quite on par with writers who spend years at university refining their art.

Copywriting, I haven't got the experience, or the qualifications.

At home data entry, I am looking into this one.

Virtual assistant, I am looking into this one also.

I just really want to get out of the 9-5 environment, I'm just losing the motivation.

Uni

Ok...its starting....so much for the stress free few months....eeek

My future

Ok so I have been spending the last few weeks trying to figure out and make a plan of what I want to do with my life. I have so many ideas, so many things that I want to accomplish.

Ideas:

Psychology
Life Coaching
Writer
Editor
Crafty Mum extraordinaire
PR / Management
Marketing
Etiquette/ Deportment Classes/training
Web design/Graphic design
Celebrant
Photography

How do i figure it out? I want to be interested when I go to work. Motivated to do something. How can I get good at something fast so that I can get away from being a bookkeeper? I hate doing what Im doing. Not just a little bit, but I have no motivation or want to keep doing this for another year. How can I transfer my skills into something else, even just for the meantime?

Infertility - Our journey so far

Ok, so reading a few blogs, crying at other's heartache I've realised its time for me to be a little more open about our baby journey.

D and I had been together for about a year when we decided that we wanted a baby. A friend had just had her second son, and we were looking after him a lot. D had never been around kids and realised that he could very happily be a dad. So we said, ok we're going to start trying for a baby. We were so excited. He called his mum to tell her, I told my mum, sister and my aunt, just expecting that it would happen. In our minds it would be fine, in a few months Id be pregnant, and we would have a gorgeous bundle of our own. Most people get pregnant in 6 months....right?

But we didnt think about the realities. Hubby had a back accident, the whole sex thing, well it didnt really happen. We tried lots of pills, and nothing. So this went on for another year maybe, then we sort of figured that one out. Yes we were intimate, but Im talking once every few months. In that time I started putting on weight. Im not talking a little bit of weight, Im talking about 5-8kg every 3-6 months. I gathered we were being lazy, ate badly. Which in honestly helped it along. But not to that extent. So fast forward another couple of months. We got that sorted, we got the ovulation predicting right, and still no baby. I get to a point where I think I am, and not just vaguely. I get the nausea, I get the aching breasts, I get the lack of period, but everytime I take a test, I get my period the next day. Eventually after a 50 day cycle and still no period I went to the doctor.

He did some tests and diagnosed me with PCOS. Now, dont think this was a new diagnosis, I always knew that I had it, but was niave in thinking I knew what it meant. I gathered it would be hard to fall pregnant, Id get a burst cyst every now and then, but I never realised after 4 years Id still be waiting. So now we are at the gyno, on Metformin (well I havent taken it in awhile) and about to start Clomid. Well maybe, I was supposed to have lost 8kg, Ive put on 5. But it does get to a point that you give up hope. When does it get to be my turn, how the hell do I lose weight to make it possible. I keep hearing a 10% reduction in body weight greatly enhances your chances, how the crap do I do that??

 I hate having PCOS, I hate that hubby has issues, I hate that we are struggling to have a family, and I really freaking hate having to smile and congratulate those around me with kids. Yes Im sour, but mainly Im just hurting.

Ive been watching Guiliana & Bill, in tears mostly. While Ive never had IVF, I still know how it feels. I know what its like to wonder 'Why the hell us?, we are good people, we can give a child so much'. and I know what its like to wonder why the world is so unjust....why can those who dont deserve it, get so much?

2 week wait

Ok so Im at the end of yet another 2 week wait. Ive been feeling queasy, but I'm not holding my breath, though in all honesty its a bit hard not to hold onto a little bit hope. Im too scared to take a test though cos i know it will say no. Isnt that stupid?!?!?! It just sux that you can want something so much but have so little faith that it will ever happen. I think if I ever got that lil positive sign or second line I will either faint, throw up or burst into tears. Well thats if I even believe it to be true. 

I hear so many people stress about the two week wait, thats never really been too much of an issues, its what happens after. When my cycle can go out to 45-50 days and I sit in hope that just maybe the tests aren't right, and that I am pregnant. I get all the symptoms, sore boobs, hideous sickness and lots of bloating. So yes lets see how the next few days go, but again Im not going to hold my breath.

Lies....

"A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity" ~ Bathasar Gracian

OK, lets talk lies..... I have a real issue with lies, they erode the very foundation of any relationship.  Hubby has been sneaking cigarettes, ok, not that bad a thing, but he keeps lying. When I ask blatantly, 'did you buy cigarettes' and he says no....its a lie. All these little lies add up to a lot of mistrust. He doesnt quite understand. Now dont get me wrong, its not all about cigarettes, we do have a history or issues with lie, but I thought we were over it, turns out, we aren't. I come from a family of liars, its the one thing that is a deal breaker for me. My alcoholic father used to promise us the world. It took us a long time and many heartbroken moments to realise that we cant believe a word out of his mouth, I didnt want to spend my adult years the same. But here I am at nearly 28, going through it with D. D has bi-polar, and a fucked up childhood, and yes it helps to justify in his head the lies, but we need to find a way out of this.  I do need to do more research on bi-polar, because the two are linked, but where do I draw the line between just an excuse and a real reason? How do I know that if it is part of the bipolar, that I am emotionally capable of dealing with it?  How do I trust him? How do I trust him not to go looking for something elsewhere?