my.opera.com

Happy New Years!! Well pre-new years anyway :)

2010 is nearly over and thank god for that!! 

I am ready to see the new year in, fresh with opportunities and hope. I have lots I want to accomplish in the new year, and the list is pretty endless but my main ones are these:

1. Live - enjoy each moment and make some memories

2. Get outside, spend some time being active

3. Stop swearing. 

So I think I can achieve these 3 things. Anything extra is a bonus!

Of Shamanic/Celtic Descent

jeffreymeyer.org

I have always known that I have been given 'the gift'. As a little girl I used to be scared that I made bad things happen, not realising that I was seeing a premonition of what was to come. I have been able to feel other peoples energy, and at times been drained from the negative ones and uplifted by the positive ones. I believe I am empathic, and know my journey in life is to help people. Whether this be through counselling, or what ever the world throws at me. 

But I also know that I have a lot to learn. There is a lot more to my journey than where I am now, having only dipped my fingers into a vast ocean. Because I have never thought I had anyone around me to teach me, I learn things as they come, having faith that I will somehow know the way. All this has really changed in the last few weeks.

I went to visit my aunt the other day. I dont see her often, maybe a few times a year. But on this visit she was telling me how it is a family gift, and strongest in the eldest child of each family. I am the oldest grandchild and the oldest and biologically only of my father. He is of Indian and Irish decent. It comes from his dad's side mainly (Indian), and has been a part of our family forever. Last night I learnt that my granddad has the gift also. He can see and communicate with the spirits. This is all a revelation to me. 

Anyway the last few nights I have been feeling very unsettled. I have been having dark (violent) thoughts, which if you know me, is completely out of character. I have also been hearing my name called, as well as something startling me and flicking my ears and back to wake me up. By yesterday afternoon I had had enough and called my aunt. I needed help. It wasnt something I had had to deal with before. Hubby wouldn't believe me if I told him, and who else could I turn to? 

So I dropped in there and we chatted. She showed me ways to protect myself, to guard my home and family, and find ways to receive the messages, but keep the black out. While we were chatting I learnt a few other things. I have a dream of blue crystal caves that resonate from my childhood. I feared this place. In my dreams I carried my father through in a glass coffin. I also have gone into deep meditations and gone to a cave on the side of a cliff, this cave was in the shape of an animal, with its teeth baring at front. During conversations I found my Aunt knew of these places. Apparently the blue crystal cave is a family sacred spot, and the animal cave is to do with our guides. These places have been significant dreams to me, and now I understand. But even more, it has provided me with proof that this is real. Its not us playing around anymore. That what I was feeling with this entity was real, there was something that was making me uncomfortable.

So last night I calmed myself, washed myself with salt and then laid down projecting my white pyramid. And do you know what, I finally slept. I had the most beautiful sleep. 

I know I still have so much to learn, but maybe Im getting there.

Family Xmas Traditions

Its beginning to feel a lot like Christmas....


I really believe that having traditions for certain times of the year makes everything feel more festive. You feel like its xmas because you are doing certain things. So part of my xmas planning this year was to find 5 traditions that will be part of our family. So far I have come up with these:

• A family Photo Xmas card. Dressed to the 9's, makeup & hair done. A real glamour shot
• A Christmas Eve party. We had this last year, and I want to keep up the tradition
• Buy all who sleep at the house match PJ's for Xmas Eve
• Dave & I to buy a small gift each to open on Xmas Eve together while we have a glass of wine or cider
• .......Im still trying to think of a 5th one

These will have to be started from next year...though we will still be having a Xmas Eve party. 

I also want to be prepared by December 1st next year. Which means Menus planned and Xmas cake made. All presents bought and wrapped. Any food items or drink items that can be purchased ahead of time done or made early done. I want to sit back and enjoy next year. Plus we will hopefully be flitting off to New Zealand.

This year has been a balls up. The few hundred that I gathered we would have will have to be put towards the car, so its all just not going to happen. We can enjoy the festive season though, and enjoy everyones company.

But not to worry, soon christmas will be here, then gone. New Years will come with all its festivities, and then my Bday is just around the corner. I am looking forward to being another year older and wiser...well I can keep dreaming anyway :)

Etiquettes 101 - The basics

Found a great website, had a listing of the go to's.

http://www.blackstump.com.au/manners-etiquette.htm

http://www.bellaonline.com/subjects/6396.asp

http://www.highsocietysecrets.com/page12.htm

I struggle a lot with speaking also, so Voice training is something I want to seriously consider. How someone speaks can change how people look at them. 

Four essentials of voice  - ur essentials: diction, clarity, intonation and conviction

http://www.write-out-loud.com/dictionexercises.html


http://www.victorianbazaar.com/introduction.html

Another woe is me post.....

Ok so we are only a week out from xmas and what happens???? well, our car has gone kaput. So somehow we are going to have to get the money together to still do xmas, but also get the car fixed. Such is life I suppose. Still sux tho.

But anyway enough of crap.

We are having some awesome storms here lately. Massive rippers. We have another one coming now, I can feel all the tension in the air, it makes my eyes and head ache. We have a 25th to go to tonite, so hopefully it dies down soon.

Mr D has been his grumpy self the last two days. He is at this moment asleep. His bi-polar is playing up and he is not sleeping at night. Doing very well sleeping during the day though. Its driving me nuts. Im going to let him sleep though, hopefully he'll wake up in a better mood. I am starting to wonder though how much of a good idea it was for him to give up the meds. It hasnt helped us in the way we thought it would. He says that he doesnt feel like he in a fog anymore, but it sure as hell isnt helping with moodiness, aggression and sleeping. Plus Im more than a lil worried the panic attacks will start again. The spending is definitely starting again. Grrr....maybe he'll be able to sort his shit out. At the moment he has no interest in trying though.

With me, well Im getting more than a little upset about the baby and weight stuff. I know I have to lose weight to have a baby, but its so freaking difficult. Especially having 4 other adults in the house that eat so much crap.  And Im so sick of hearing that I shouldnt diet, I should just eat healthy. Well news flash, thats obviously not working. I put 10kgs on every year trying to just eat 'healthy'. The doctor has spoken about weight loss surgery, and part of me really wants to do it, another part has no interest in it, and is so disgusted in myself about having to consider it. And I know so many of my problems will go if I can just even lose 10kg. Though I really want to lose 40-50.

Our goal this week was to start a Michael Thurman-ish type diet. Low car broken down into 5 meals, with 45 mins exercise daily and 3 Litres of water. We havent gotten anywhere close to that. It doesnt help that xmas is upon us. But we are both feeling the pressure of his mum arriving on Friday. They go on so much about D's weight. He feels so much pressure from them, and when they leave I am left with the consequences. I am dreading when she leaves this time. We go through a month of him over dramatising everything until I snap and tell him to get over it. I dont think we could survive living closer to her.

We also have to set up the office this week into a 4th bedroom. We will move the computer out and into probably our room, and put a bed in here. Thankfully it means that we will actually clean out the office. It is greatly in need. We have been wanting to rearrange in here anyway. After new years will be our chance. I might try to pic up another desk so that we can put both in here. D is starting his own blog now, and spending more time on his website, and I have mine and the 3 websites, plus uni. So definitely time to make room.

I have been thinking of making a second website, and doing more home deco/organisation. But Im guessing that will come together later if I need it to. The plan is to have two websites, one for organisation, and one for etiquette and grooming. The organisation one, for homes, the etiquette ones for people like me. Basically my journey from crap to fab. Though I could probably put that into this one. I just would like to eventually do talks and stuff on it. Probably best to put on here, keep things simple.

Ive been slack

Its been a fortnight or so since I last posted...things have been stressful.

So I am back at uni since the end of November, about the same time as my parents and sister moved in. eeek. Things are going ok so far, but its hard not to notice how terribly he treats them. Its super sad but super true. Its also quite obvious that he is more than content to live wherever and let mum pay the bills out of her carers allowance and drink all day and tinker down at his shed. I am at that stage where I dont say anything. After all these years she has stayed married to him, her choice. But its definitely not the life I expected from her. It makes me appreciate my life so much more.

Hubby had his post op appointment this week. He is to have another operation in the new year. Hopefully that will be the last and he will be all healed. In the mean time we have to get as healthy as possible. He is also having issues at work, so Im a bit afraid that he will either lose his job, or he will get another and then lose it because he will have to go in for the operation.

My work is pretty precarious also. Im waiting for the day when I am told the doors will be closing, I don't think its too far away.

So a quick overview of the last few weeks. Life would be so much easier if only........

Fears

There are many things I fear in this world, some rational, some very irational, but I have had to face many in 2010.

Some of my fears
1. Losing my husband
2. Losing my sister/mum
3. Being poor
4. Being homeless
5. Living with my folks again.

My husband and I have been close to splitting a few times, but over the last year we seem to have welded ourselves together much more firmly. So I feel quite content.

We came very close to losing my sister in June. She broke her neck during an epileptic seizure. The broken neck was left undiagnosed for 4 days by  our hospital and was picked up by our local GP. He is our angel.

In February the Insulation scheme in Australia went bust. Both hubby and I  and my family were involved. We were left with nothing at a moments notice. We were without jobs for 6 weeks and came very close to not being able to afford to pay our rent or buy food. It is nearing Christmas and we are only just getting on top of everything now. I NEVER want to be back in that position. This time last year we had a few thousand tucked away, bills paid without thinking, they just came out of our account, and we were quite content about going into xmas. This year we live week to week and are scared stiff that we wont be able to afford it. But such is life, we have a roof over our heads.

And to top all this off, my folks are moving in with us on Saturday. Dont get me wrong, I love my mum to bits, but my dad is an alcoholic and we clash big time. I have very definite ideas on how he should treat my mum, unfortunately he doesnt agree. So it will be a big learning experience in patience. That and hoping that we use the opportunity to save money and that they get back on their feet sooner rather than later.

eek

Gyno appointment

So I had my follow up Gyno appointment this morning and the news sucked honestly. D's sperm analysis came back ok except for 98% abnormality. They expect that with healthy lifestyle it should go down. My doc said though that if it doesnt, then we have no other option except IVF. I also am required to lose 15kg by my next appointment. He wants me to seriously consider weight loss surgery. 

I am pretty devastated by the news. I think this is the first time I have really looked at the possiblity that we might have to do IVF. And I know there are so many people who have to, but I just didnt want to. I wanted to fall pregnant easily, have my beautiful healthy babies and just be normal. Why can't life be like this? Why does it all have to be so fucking difficult?

Getting healthy

noodlepadoodle.com

I have my appointment with my gyno tomorrow. I have failed to lose weight (I gained 7kg) and I am really unhealthy. I have been following a lady on twitter who has done a detox for the last week or so and is doing quite well. It's time I did another. It has been probably about 4-5 years since I have done a proper cleanse. I keep wanting to but never really follow it through. I am super unhealthy, living on pain killer and have to break this cycle. I will be doing fruit, veg, nuts and leave white meats. I am hauling D in for the ride. Thankfully we freakin get paid tonite. 

On the home front, I rehomed my beautiful Bella last night. 

We had to get rid of her friend a few weeks ago as he kept digging and we are in a rental house. Since then she has become lonely and moping. She unfortunately also decided she was going to attack small animals. Since we are about to start fertility treatments we realised a. we dont have the time she needs, and b. do we want her around a baby. We have been keeping her inside so honestly it was time for her to be placed somewhere else. We found a wonderful lady who had a 1 year old boy who needed a friend. She is super wonderful with her boy, and I believe Belle is going to love her new home. Though this didnt stop me sobbing last night having to say goodbye. I am very very grateful to the wonderful lady for helping us, but feel a massive amount of guilt that I gave away my girl. 

Housewise, we are doing ok.Kitchen has been cleaned each night, and more and more crap is being put away. I am hoping to sort out the office this weekend, and that will be the last room done. From there it is just a matter of tidying each day, and doing a thorough, deep clean. I am hoping to do this over the next few weekends before xmas. This will be one less thing taking up my time and energy. 

Still no pay

Im getting impatient. We expected D's pay to go in on Thursday night, it's now Tuesday and nothing. I would'nt care so much if this was a year ago. We would have had a few k in the bank which was a bit of an emergency fund. The last year though we have been living week to week. It's more than a lil scary.


Today I'll put some money in the car, but I think I might have to do some cooking tonite for lunches tomorrow. On the bright side, the shopping I do once we are paid should last the two weeks.


My plan this week is to organise the fridge and pantry.


Will get a few baskets (just plastic $2 ones) for spices and bottles
wait for Penny Miller catalogue to grab a can organiser and shelf insert
Put all flours/box mixes in plastic stackable containers
Spices in basket

Howards Storage

Later On
Produce bins for onions, potato & pumpkin & Plate Stacker (but Ill need to get a round dinner set for that)

Howards Storage World

Howards Storage World
Plate Stacker

I also like the drawer dividers from Howards Storage World, though Im sure Id be able to pick up similar from ebay or ikea. I also need to clean out my drawers. how do people get away with only this many items. Well this is just for show. But only one drawer full? Do they have some on the bench? I like the wooden handles on these. And the white plastic with them. I'm also thinking that I need to put out silver cutlery away and buy a cheap set for daily use. The good ones are getting rust on them from the dishwasher (easily scrubbed off tho), but the set is too big to fit in the drawers. The other option is to make custom dividers.

Food Prep wise: I want to try the Sunday Set-up Idea from Kathy Kaehler. 

Organise all meals, do the prep work and put them in snaplock containers in the fridge. Then when D & I are feeling lazy, its just a matter or pulling out the components and putting on the stove. Plus I can keep it all quite healthy. Woolworths has the containers for $3 each this week. I can also then get D another lunchbox and cooler bag and set up his lunches for the week also. 

It all sounds ok to me.

Another freaking Cyst

Yep that's correct, I had ANOTHER cyst burst on saturday. I have no idea why they are becoming so regular, but this one freakin hurt. It is Monday morning and I am still feeling the pain. Saturday and Sunday I spent basically in the foetal position trying to keep movement to a minimum. Poor hubby had to help me even roll over in bed. Today is just the remaining dull ache.

Hubby got his sperm analysis results back. Quantity Motility all good, Abnormality is at 98%. We are suprised the quantity and motility are good. We were expecting the worst. We are not suprised by the abnormality. Hubby is overweight, nowhere near healthy and has had an infection in his below region for the last two years. This was fixed up by surgery at the beginning of November. But this has spurred us on. A healthy change is necessary if we are wanting children.

With the cysts, I am needing to get stuff organised. I will be stocking up on supplements for us both over the weekend and hopefully in the next 3 months will start to see a difference.

For Hubby: Menevit, Maca Root, Lecithin, fish oil

Me: Saw Palmetto, Vitex, elevit, metformin, natural progesterone cream

The World is pushing down

picture from Health Spa Blog

So to add insult to injury, we woke up this morning to find D had not been paid. This would have been an intentional thing from his work, as they had a go at him yesterday for not handing in his timesheet. Which yep his error, but they knew he worked, he spoke on the phone to his manager about it. Why the fuck can they do this. We honestly live week to week at the moment. I hate doing it, but we are just not getting anywhere money wise and have to. So this has really caused an issue. 

Saving money. Ok what can we do?

1. Not pay any bills this week - eek theres going to be lots of phone calls to do that

2. Eat out of the cupboard - I dont freaking keep much in my cupboard....oh well time to get clever

3. Dont drive around anywhere. Yeah like thats going to be easy

Fuck, I know its not a big list, but we had a car payment come out this week. I have agreed to pay a few things, I wanted to eat. Oh well good time to lost a few kgs I suppose.

Why can't life be simple?

On the flip side (I have to find one to keep sane), its the lil push we needed to really knuckle down and save. So Foxtel will be getting turned off, 2nd car will be sold, time to declutter the home, and rethink our spending in all areas. 

Im sorry xmas, you have been cancelled.

BIPOLAR - Why I hate your guts

Let me start off by saying that I love my husband. He is one of the best things that have ever happened to me, and I can't imagine being without him.

That being said, I hate his Bipolar. Bipolar is one of the hardest things I have ever had to face.

I try to see Bipolar as separate to him, it isn't really, but it helps me get through some of 'those' days. Today is one of those days. See, I just got a call from hubby, work isn't going so well. Things are getting nasty and the way its looking it wont be long until he calls me telling me one of two things: he has either quit or been fired. Now I'd like to say that this isn't a common thing, unfortunately it is.

For some reason everything is horrid, the world is against him, they are all morons, the place is shit. Don't think I don't believe him, some things do seem really crap. But not everything is on their part, D has a part in it too. The bipolar in him is aggressive, it takes things and twists them around and turns them into something they're not. It can make an innocent issue turn into some cruel vendetta marked for him. I just wish we could find a way for it not to be the case. How do we turn paranoia, aggression, impatience and lack of organisation around, so that he remains employable?

When I was younger I always saw my hubby as successful, stable, supportive, and at times he fits the bill, just not at the moment. The Capricorn in me needs this, the Bipolar in him though needs something different. Bipolar in all honesty is such a selfish condition. I'll try to sound as unselfish as possible. Sometimes it is about me too. But hell thats another post..

Just wanted to say BIPOLAR SUX

a great post

Just wanted to link this great post.. I totally agree, and it had me in tears to know that someone 'got it'. I dont think I really have anyone around me who does. And while yes there are people who have struggled, they already have children. I know this is horrible to say, but they have been given that chance. I still dont know if I ever will...

http://www.fromiftowhen.com/2010/11/what-fertile-woman-doesnt-know.html

Adoption and all the hoo-haa

I must be naive. Or maybe I just see the world in too many rainbows.

I have been reading blogs, (as I do a lot) and there was one woman blasted by posting a adoption terminology post. Keep in mind that she did not write it, she was researching and came across it. Well done to her for trying to be as educated about the process as possible for the child she welcomes into her life.

Now having said that, there were many many comments that were quite nasty to her. And so many negative ones. Now forgive me for my naivety, but I was under the impression that opening up your home to a child was a kind, loving and thoughtful thing. Apparently not. Apparently its a negative thing. There were posts about how selfish it is, that its a negative situation. There were a lot of really angry words from people who had been adopted and many who had adopted children. Am I just seeing this through rose colored glasses? In today's world (Im not talking 30-50 years ago), adoption is something that someone works really really hard to be accepted into and waits and waits praying that they may be given the greatest gift of becoming a parent. Now these people are condemned? What sort of world are we living in? These children for whatever reason, some good, some bad, were no longer able to be raised by their parents and are placed with people who want nothing more than to raise them. How is this a negative thing? I know I'm rambling here, following no real sequence, but I'm just so frustrated.

In Australia, we don't have the option of inter-country adoption, and overseas adoption is near impossible. Personally, we are having to choose between buying a home or getting IVF, and chances are we will choose IVF. Now if a child was placed with me, from what ever circumstance, how could it be negative. I would raise that child with all the love possible, in a safe, stable environment. Please tell me this is a bad thing?

There were also saying that parenting is so much harder then trying for a baby. Maybe it is, but I'll swap a 16 year old rebellious teenager any day, with my current prospect of living without children. Fine...tell me its harder, but lets wait until I have a child in my arms, because right now, this is the biggest struggle I have ever had to face...and Ive had to face a few.

The World is the cruelest thing

So follow on from my post about the two week wait...I am now at day 36.

Now don't get too excited...Any normal person would be getting excited about this. Yeah but not me. I get a feeling of dread.

Ok so lets look at the symptoms I am experiencing:

No Period
Sore Breasts
Complete exhaustion, Im talking a weekend of not much else but sleep
Nausea every morning, and well afternoons also and evenings

So 4 pretty big ones....but guess what...Welcome to PCOS.

It SUX!

I get it, I understand it does this to me, but there will always be a small part of me (hey even big part of me) that holds out, hoping that I am pregnant. But I know that without fail, I take a pregnancy test and then either that afternoon or the next morning Aunt Flo comes knocking.

I don't understand, why does the universe have to be so cruel? I'm sitting here literally trying to swallow the ick from my throat, feeling the nausea creeping up, and just know that its nothing. Well nothing that turns into a baby anyway. I think I could handle the stress of not conceiving if I didnt have a constant reminder every couple of months of what its like to feel pregnant and to go through that week or two wondering 'what if'. And I know most would say just take a test, just to make sure. But honestly its more heartbreaking seeing a lil single line, than it is to find out Aunt Flo arrived.

till next time
moby

WAHM.....well not so much the Mum part

I really want to break into the work at home field, how do I do it? I have been checking out a few different ideas and nothing seems to be working. Hubby suggests that I spend a few months sewing, working up a bit of stock and then hit the markets. I am not 100% sure on this. If I make say, 5 burp cloths an hour, I can sell 3 for $20. So approx $40 an hour I get in hand, materials around $15 an hour, Im working for $25 an hour. And thats 'if' I can do 5. Im not 100% sure that I can. Hell I havent even got one made.

Other options....

Product reviews, I can do this, I'll get maybe $1 per review, it will take about 30mins per review. ummm $2 an hour?? I dont think so.

Writing articles..I dont think my writing skills are quite on par with writers who spend years at university refining their art.

Copywriting, I haven't got the experience, or the qualifications.

At home data entry, I am looking into this one.

Virtual assistant, I am looking into this one also.

I just really want to get out of the 9-5 environment, I'm just losing the motivation.

Uni

Ok...its starting....so much for the stress free few months....eeek

My future

Ok so I have been spending the last few weeks trying to figure out and make a plan of what I want to do with my life. I have so many ideas, so many things that I want to accomplish.

Ideas:

Psychology
Life Coaching
Writer
Editor
Crafty Mum extraordinaire
PR / Management
Marketing
Etiquette/ Deportment Classes/training
Web design/Graphic design
Celebrant
Photography

How do i figure it out? I want to be interested when I go to work. Motivated to do something. How can I get good at something fast so that I can get away from being a bookkeeper? I hate doing what Im doing. Not just a little bit, but I have no motivation or want to keep doing this for another year. How can I transfer my skills into something else, even just for the meantime?

Infertility - Our journey so far

Ok, so reading a few blogs, crying at other's heartache I've realised its time for me to be a little more open about our baby journey.

D and I had been together for about a year when we decided that we wanted a baby. A friend had just had her second son, and we were looking after him a lot. D had never been around kids and realised that he could very happily be a dad. So we said, ok we're going to start trying for a baby. We were so excited. He called his mum to tell her, I told my mum, sister and my aunt, just expecting that it would happen. In our minds it would be fine, in a few months Id be pregnant, and we would have a gorgeous bundle of our own. Most people get pregnant in 6 months....right?

But we didnt think about the realities. Hubby had a back accident, the whole sex thing, well it didnt really happen. We tried lots of pills, and nothing. So this went on for another year maybe, then we sort of figured that one out. Yes we were intimate, but Im talking once every few months. In that time I started putting on weight. Im not talking a little bit of weight, Im talking about 5-8kg every 3-6 months. I gathered we were being lazy, ate badly. Which in honestly helped it along. But not to that extent. So fast forward another couple of months. We got that sorted, we got the ovulation predicting right, and still no baby. I get to a point where I think I am, and not just vaguely. I get the nausea, I get the aching breasts, I get the lack of period, but everytime I take a test, I get my period the next day. Eventually after a 50 day cycle and still no period I went to the doctor.

He did some tests and diagnosed me with PCOS. Now, dont think this was a new diagnosis, I always knew that I had it, but was niave in thinking I knew what it meant. I gathered it would be hard to fall pregnant, Id get a burst cyst every now and then, but I never realised after 4 years Id still be waiting. So now we are at the gyno, on Metformin (well I havent taken it in awhile) and about to start Clomid. Well maybe, I was supposed to have lost 8kg, Ive put on 5. But it does get to a point that you give up hope. When does it get to be my turn, how the hell do I lose weight to make it possible. I keep hearing a 10% reduction in body weight greatly enhances your chances, how the crap do I do that??

 I hate having PCOS, I hate that hubby has issues, I hate that we are struggling to have a family, and I really freaking hate having to smile and congratulate those around me with kids. Yes Im sour, but mainly Im just hurting.

Ive been watching Guiliana & Bill, in tears mostly. While Ive never had IVF, I still know how it feels. I know what its like to wonder 'Why the hell us?, we are good people, we can give a child so much'. and I know what its like to wonder why the world is so unjust....why can those who dont deserve it, get so much?

2 week wait

Ok so Im at the end of yet another 2 week wait. Ive been feeling queasy, but I'm not holding my breath, though in all honesty its a bit hard not to hold onto a little bit hope. Im too scared to take a test though cos i know it will say no. Isnt that stupid?!?!?! It just sux that you can want something so much but have so little faith that it will ever happen. I think if I ever got that lil positive sign or second line I will either faint, throw up or burst into tears. Well thats if I even believe it to be true. 

I hear so many people stress about the two week wait, thats never really been too much of an issues, its what happens after. When my cycle can go out to 45-50 days and I sit in hope that just maybe the tests aren't right, and that I am pregnant. I get all the symptoms, sore boobs, hideous sickness and lots of bloating. So yes lets see how the next few days go, but again Im not going to hold my breath.

Lies....

"A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity" ~ Bathasar Gracian

OK, lets talk lies..... I have a real issue with lies, they erode the very foundation of any relationship.  Hubby has been sneaking cigarettes, ok, not that bad a thing, but he keeps lying. When I ask blatantly, 'did you buy cigarettes' and he says no....its a lie. All these little lies add up to a lot of mistrust. He doesnt quite understand. Now dont get me wrong, its not all about cigarettes, we do have a history or issues with lie, but I thought we were over it, turns out, we aren't. I come from a family of liars, its the one thing that is a deal breaker for me. My alcoholic father used to promise us the world. It took us a long time and many heartbroken moments to realise that we cant believe a word out of his mouth, I didnt want to spend my adult years the same. But here I am at nearly 28, going through it with D. D has bi-polar, and a fucked up childhood, and yes it helps to justify in his head the lies, but we need to find a way out of this.  I do need to do more research on bi-polar, because the two are linked, but where do I draw the line between just an excuse and a real reason? How do I know that if it is part of the bipolar, that I am emotionally capable of dealing with it?  How do I trust him? How do I trust him not to go looking for something elsewhere?

So how did I go

FAIL

I got home and watched some 'glee', then went to see a friend, then D decided he wanted KFC, drove there, and then nearly fell asleep driving home. So went home, ate dinner then flaked it. This morning wasnt too bad. Got up at 5, went to Gym. Didnt wash my hair cos I gathered they would have some of the no wash spray (I only washed my hair yesterday), got out of the shower, and of course no spray. So today I am sporting a very sexy sleek oil slick....ick. But have had breakfast, about to brush my teeth and have started work. haha yeah I did well. Tonite is another crazy night. we are carving pumpkins. So off home at 3.30, drop in buy some pumpkins, pick up previously mentioned friend, then home for a salad for dinner, then mum and sis will be over. Then let the carving begin!!

Organising my daily routine

Ok, so like I said in my profile and original post, this blog was about me getting my shit together. So Im going to sort out a daily routine. I think I will have to change my hours at work or get up earlier. But it will mean a 5am start on non gym days and a 4.30 start on gym days. That or working from 8-4. eeek.



So Morning Routine:


Make Bed (except if hubby is still in there)
Shower and dressed
Gym
Makeup & hair
Wipe over sink
Breakfast - usually weetbix and fruit, or yoghurt & fruit

Check Diary

Clean dishes, wipe down surfaces used
Check that you have everything
Out the door

Night Routine:

Load of washing
Get dinner on
Clean up dishes
Tidy Up
Clothes ready for tomorrow
Shower and Moisturise

These are my basics for now. If I can stick to these, I am hoping to add bits and pieces.

Day 2 - Ok Im really not liking this one

Yep I give in for this one. I think its more a business type blog challenge. Im sure Ill be able to find better ones later.

So my first project...health. I am severely laking. I am uber tired at the moment and havent been taking my PCOS meds cos I havent been bothered going to the pharmacy, and have been suffering from allergies. I got rid of those issues a few years ago (the allergy ones) with a juice cleanse, so that is my plan for next week. I am also thinking about cutting down the TV next week. have a free weekend next weekend and only an hour in the evening, or no tv till after 7pm. The main issue is D having his op, he is still recovering. So maybe keep the TV Challenge for another week or so.

So plan for next week
Gym Monday, Wednesday Friday, Sauna on Tuesday.
Juice, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and maybe Wednesday

Body Brush Daily
Facemask Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday
Body Scrub Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday

2L water daily

30 min walk in the evenings

I definitely want this to be about health. .Afterwards focusing on more fruits, salads and vegies. Cut out the coffee, switch to herbal teas and go from there. We are looking at no red meat in our diets anyway, so stick to fish and chicken. It isnt too much differnt from what we have been trying to do for the last few weeks anyway.

Day 1 of 31 - Building a Better Blog

Day 1 Challenge, email a follower.

Well I was going to do this, but I only have one. So I will email her, but maybe give myself the mission of commenting on someone else's blog.

New Blogger Challenge Starting tomorrow

http://www.problogger.net/31-days-to-building-a-better-blog/

Ok so here is my new challenge. 31days to a better blog. Lets go....well Ill start tomorrow. Tomorrow will also be the start of my superwoman blog. I will make sure I put up 30 posts on that one by the end of November.

Day 29 & 30 of 30 - I did it!!

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song


Im going to mix these around, I dont want to end this on my favorite song.


Day 29 - My favorite song - It would have to be....... Lean on Me  When ever its quiet and Im all alone I sing this song. No its not about the words, its about the music. I love this song, and honestly I do love the lyrics too. I have stacks of other favorite songs, I love music, but this is the one I sing when I dont have anything else. My second favorite would be Sitting on the dock of the bay, classic Otis or anything by Norah Jones. I love the Blues, I love Jazz, I was born in the wrong country in the wrong era. 


Day 30 - What have I learnt? I have learnt that I focus on my weight too much, I am missing out of life. I have learnt that while I take stacks of photos, I dont take many of myself, or many of my friends. I have also learnt that I can stick to something. Now Im looking for my next challenge. 


Ive also learnt that I still fear people reading my blog..lol, but also  hope lots of people do. Im becoming more and more open about myself and my life, and Im ready to share it with the world. 

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then

This pic is from this year. Heavier but happier. Below is the pic from last year. I still recognise my face in the pic last year, I seem to have lost it this year.

I was a lot healthier last year also. This year I have suffered pretty badly because of the PCOS. I have had a few cysts burst, and major issues with ears and face infections due to sinus and allergy issues. My health is slowly getting better, but it has definitely taken its toll on weight and even just the clarity of my skin. 

Emotionally, I am a lot happier this year though. Yesterday hubby and I celebrated 5 years together, and are the happiest we have ever been. Life is good. We dont have a lot of money, we dont spend a lot of time with other people, but we are content. Hopefully next year everything will merge and not only will we continue being happy, but hopefully I will be a lot healthier also. 

OOOH CRAP

Its my 5th anniversary today....I forgot

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge


Why am I doing it? to complete something, to make a habit, to show myself I can stick to something. I never can. I used to have so much dedication, so much determination and drive. Ive lost it. I need to remind myself that if I set my mind to something, I can follow through and complete it.

I am at a junction with so much change, I needed to know that I can commit to it. I can commit to get this website up and running, I can commit to getting stock made and start selling. I can commit to overhauling our lives.

Day 24/5 - A letter to my parents

Day 24 - A letter to my parents


I have avoided this one, cos its painful.

Dear Mum,
I love you. You are there when I need you, my best friend. You have laid the foundations of my life, my personality, and my morals. While I don't always agree with the choices you have made in life, I admire you for those choices. You have been strong when it has been needed, but loving and fragile when required. I will always look up to you, and be open with you. I will always appreciate you, and what you have done, and lean on you when I need strength. You are my angel, and I love you.

Kat

Day 26- What you think about your friends

Day 26- What you think about your friends


eeek.... I have very few good friends, and this is one of my problems. The ones I do have are very sweet, and there for a reason. I adore them.

I have had many friends over the years, but truthfully I get sick of being used, and it happens often. I think this is a fault I cause tho. But sometimes I would love ppl to ask how I am, how Im feeling. Yep I have no issue with talking with them through their latest drama, but sometimes all I want to do is focus on mine.

I dont think I have always chosen the best people to befriend, many just wanted a plaything, someone they knew they could fall back on. Well I gave most of that up.

I am super happy to say tho that I have one or two that are very special to me, and Id rather it that way, than have the 100's that I knew, with noone really close.

Day 24 - a bit of a mix up

Ok, so I really dont have the energy, emotionally or physically to do day 24 today, I will either post up tonite, or do tomorrow. So I will do day 25

Day 25- What I would find in your bag

This pile of paper just came out of the 'enviro' bag. By the way I dont have a fine, its just my rego sticker.

inside my 'handbag' yes that is a can of tuna and strapping tape!

As you can see from the pics, I dont even carry a handbag. I dont want to spend the money and buy a tote, I should tho.  ok, so lets itemise what is in it:


wallet, phone, 2 x payslips, rego sticker, sewing pattern, notebook, diary, organiser, bills, catalogues, the mornings mail, glasses, girly things, can of tuna, 2 x coffee satchets, headphones, hairbands (a whole pack), a nail file, a container of shake mix, moisturiser, comb, hair clip, mints, foundation, a sharpener (huh?) and then my makeup bag and handbag.


Contents of these bags:
usb key, mints, deoderant, 2 xlighters (I will just mention that I dont smoke), body spray, a pen, rechargeable batteries, a safety pin, earrings, oil control lotion, moisturiser, eye shadow, lip gloss, mascara, pressed foundation, concealer, eyeliner, a liquid foundation, another hair clip, makeup mirror,  a makeup brush and finally keys and my bottle of water. 


Ok yes I know I am rediculous!!! Im pretty sure its all just laziness. I looked at it all this morning, and was going to clear it out, and then gathered I would do it at work. I didnt realise that I would have to bare it all today. So yes, tonight it will be emptied, and I might drop in and grab a proper bag. 

Day 21, 22 & 23

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

Baby pics make me happy, baby's make me happy. 


What can I say..Its just true!
From as long as I can remember, I've always been the one that holds the baby, I was a natural born mum.


Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else


What makes me different? I am loving, caring, affectionate, kind, and patient, I am also cold, callous and impatient. I am a different person with my family and friends than to those who don't know me. 


I am logical, and can work out how to do most things. I will pull apart anything and mostly be able to put it back together, I have no qualms about getting my hands dirty, riding a motorcycle, driving a truck, using power tools. But love makeup, crocheting, and dressing up.  


I would love to go punk, get tattoos, piercings and crazy hair, but want to run courses in deportment. I love paganism, spirituality, and being a free spirit, but love religion, being in a church and the structure of religions. 


 I am everything rolled into one, and I like that. 

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

I crave success and power and stability. 

Aussie Girls

TOUGH GIRLS come from NEW YORK, SWEET GIRLS come from CANADA, BARBIE GIRLS come from SWEDEN, BUT us *AUSSIE* GIRLS have fire and ice in our blood!!We can ride 4-wheelers, be a princess, throw a right hook, love football, pack heat, fish with the boys, bake a cake, be great mums, ...party, and love with a passion And, if we have an opinion YOU KNOW UR GONNA HEAR IT!! 

I love this..Im an Aussie Girl

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

I married my husband after being engaged for 2 months and together 2 years. We have had some super rocky times, where honestly I didn't think we would make it, but this year we will be celebrating 3 years of marriage, and in 6 days, 5 years together. 5 is my magic number. No longer are we 'newly weds' or a 'young' couple, we are committed, and a happily married 'old' couple. 

D and I have been through the wringers and back. After a world of lies and half truths, fights etc, we found out that D has bi-polar. I know that this is not an excuse, but it was because of this diagnosis that we were able to get help, and learn to deal with what this metal health issue threw at us. Life can be rocky, and it can be frustrating, but I cant imagine my life without him. And honestly there are days that he frustrates me so badly that I am ready to just bite him...lol. It is definitely a learning experience. Together we have fun, he has taught me that life is to enjoy, that I dont need to be the serious one. He has taught me that there is something so much better than the fairy tales. Together him and I can conquer the world, we can follow our dreams, and we will always have that person by our side to fall back on and I cant think of a better man to spend my life with. 

The other thing that I gained with D was his name.I know this is a bit odd for me to make a point of, but its something that I never truly had. I was named at birth with my mother's maiden name, at 12, my father decided I was to have his, so I was to drop my original last name. Then at 15 I decided that I should not have been made to change without my input and hyphenated it. Then when I was 18, legally I had to revert to my mothers maiden name (she never got around to legally changing it). For so many years my name kept changing, it was never mine, I had no link to it, no ownership. Then I married D. No longer was my name changed to whatever someone felt like, I was Mrs S. It is mine, no one can take it from me, that is my name. And as I have told D, if for any reason we divorce, I will remain Ms S. Its my freaking name, I worked hard for it, Its mine!

Im ready to take on the world

Im feeling like I'm getting ready for a big fight today, I don't know why. I feel like I'm gearing up for something, something that wont affect me, but someone close to me. I'm umm-ing and ahh-ing about sending a message, but I just think I'm a little nuts. Its just one of those days.

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them


I have many, with a name like Katrina, well theres lots of derivatives. 
Kat
Trina
Trini
Kitty
Kitty-Kat
Tri
Lee (my middle name. I once worked in a callcentre with another Katrina, we couldnt both be Katrina so they called me by my middle name. She left after a few months, but Lee stuck around for 6 or 7 years)
Little Lee - (Im only 5"2)
Bubby (from hubby)
Bublet (again husband)
pookie (again..)
and what ever other corny think he can come up with. 


My favourites are probably Kat, Kitty or Tri. I love Tri cos it makes me feel closer to nature...haha


At work there is another Katrina (yep there seems to be lots of us) so Im called Trina, meh...its ok

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have


I have lots of plans, lots of dreams and so many goals and probably too many to list here. 


1. Have my family. I want at least 2 children
2. Have security for my family. This is my most important thing. 
3. Be able to work from home. 
4. Be fit and healthy (probably more a 3 than a 4)
5. Get portraits done of me and hubby
6. I want to own a big big home. I dont want a new one, I want an old one. Something that I can really sink my teeth into and refurbish myself. Decorating from the yard, the floor to the attic. 

Probably more the bottom one, but just not so broken. 

Day 17 of 30

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why


Ok, hard one! all I can really think of is someone with money...lol. There are many people that I admire, many that I would like to emulate, but except for celebrities, I dont know. So I'm going to do the bad thing and put down a celebrity.

Tori Spelling

I adore Tori Spelling, I know that many do not. But my reasons are many. Firstly, she built her life back up from nothing. She hit rock bottom, spent all of her money, and then used her experience to build back up a life and income for her family. 2, she is a mum. Im not talking the type that give birth,Im talking the type who actually parent and adore their children. Her family comes first and she makes sure the world and her kids know it. 3, she is not shy to tell the world that she struggles like everyone else, and not shy to say she is human. Ok so she has a reality television show...so what?!?! Her husband and herself do a great job showing that they work hard, do everything for their family and still can be successful. 

So yes, I want to spend a day being Tori Spelling, then I can make some contacts and make my family just 

as successful as hers.

Day 15 & 16

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play


Ok, well lets see
1.Roll away ur stones - mumford & sons
2. White blank page - mumford & sons
3. Rise - Eddie Vedder
4. Little lion man - mumford & sons
5. Hairdo - little Birdy
6. The Cave - mumford & sons
7. Walk it off - Angus & Julie Stone
8. Hold on - Angus & Julie Stone
9. Awake - Powderfingers
10. Brother  -Little Birdy


This is a bit skewed this result. Up until a few weeks ago I had a lot of different music. Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton, Pink, Michael Buble, Queen, Jenny Lewis and heaps more. But someone is a bit iPhone dumb and while adding music, lost everything she already had on it...duh. I love all sorts of music, I love finding new stuff, I adore old stuff, and enjoy a wide variety of different genres. My perfect radio station would play everything, unfortunately no such thing, so I have 105.3, 104.7, 97.3 and Triple J preset on the radio and just keep changing so I don't have to listen to anyone speak :D


So yes I need to get a stack more and fill it up again. I love having music on it, and I absolutely love love love pod casts. Surprisingly so does D, he likes the meditation ones. Great for bad sleepers like him. 


Day 16- Another picture of yourself

I love this pic of me, it was taken just before I started dating my husband. I had been back from my US trip for about 6 months and finally was over that breakup. I was healthy and enjoying life. Haha I hadn't discovered oil controlling lotion, or pressed powder yet tho, check out that shine!! :) 

I still have the shirt though, it was one of my favorites, I  intend to fit back into it. I look back on these days and all I remember is feeling so confident. I was in love with life, fairly happy with my weight (still constantly dieting) but loved clothes shopping, and absolutely loved dressing up. I wasn't too happy with my personal life though. I really think I am much more blessed now. Yes I struggle with my weight, but I love life. I love my husband, and look forward to my life with him. I spend most of my time happy, and without drama...there is nothing better than that :)