2012 and all it's promises...

Well here we are very near the end of the year and 2012 is holding so much hope. There is so much to be done next year, and I don't want an ordinary year. I want to be busy, I want to feel like we are climbing out of the rut we are in. So many aspects of our lives need to be improved on, and I know where to start, I know how to start, and HAVE started. I just need to keep on keeping on.

Number 1....as everyone knows, my weight. I have seen a dietician this year, as well as exercise physiologist, it has to come down. Exercise is required daily, 3 times a week minimum, and food needs to be cleaned up. No more dairy, very little carbs, many fruits, veg and some protein. (No I am not including real food in my carb count, as long as I eat all of the fruit, bought juices are out)

Number 2... work on our fertility. D is giving up smoking, and he is in on this health kick. It's time to kick infertility to the curb and claim our baby.

Number 3... money. D needs a job, I need a secure full time one. This obviously is a priority. We then have to focus on paying out debt and starting to put money away. Dave Ramsay is going to be my friend this year, he just doesn't know it yet.

Number 4... working on creating at home businesses. We are under no illusion that this will be easy, or that it will be only one. D and I both want to work from home. We want babies in the next year or two and this will be the best way. D is also bi-polar and doesn't get along well with people, this would probably give us more security than him working for someone else. So we will be focusing on Safe Cycling Australia, Sharp Chic, A Fashionable Marriage and Sharp Organising. Somewhere in all of this we will derive an income sufficient enough to be stay at home workers.

Number 5... yes there is more! D and I both need careers. We need to feel like we are contributing to the world, by working on Number 4 and 3, this could happen.

Number 6... I want to socialise and go out more. I don't want to feel that the year has flown by and we have nothing to show for it. I want to go out for dinners, weekends away and exploring our city. I want to meet new people, entertain and hold dinner parties. I want to be social.

Number 7... I want to set my home up. I want it to exude elegance, to be clean, tidy and people to walk in and think 'these people have it together'. I don't like walking in and seeing the mish mash that is our house. I want it to have style, grace, and character. I will be blogging about the changes we make, however slowly it may take us.

Number 8.. .I want to work on me. Not only do I need to lose the weight, but I want to change the way I present myself. In no way and I saying that I wish to change me...just how I present myself to the world. I am doing a workshop hopefully soon to learn basics of makeup and haircare. Next on the agenda is clothing and manners. I am taking the challenge not to swear and this will start from tomorrow night when my MIL arrives.

Number 9...I am committing to blogging. I will have 4 sites up and going. This is going to be a HUGE Task. The plan is one blog post for each blog a week, 2 for the personal blog. This personal blog will also be a record of my challenges, my progress against my goals and my accountability. I will be adding a page specifically to hold these goals and my progress markers.

Good luck to me and good luck to 2012 and all the hope that I lay on it.

love
Moby

Gyno appointment

So I had my follow up Gyno appointment this morning and the news sucked honestly. D's sperm analysis came back ok except for 98% abnormality. They expect that with healthy lifestyle it should go down. My doc said though that if it doesnt, then we have no other option except IVF. I also am required to lose 15kg by my next appointment. He wants me to seriously consider weight loss surgery. 

I am pretty devastated by the news. I think this is the first time I have really looked at the possiblity that we might have to do IVF. And I know there are so many people who have to, but I just didnt want to. I wanted to fall pregnant easily, have my beautiful healthy babies and just be normal. Why can't life be like this? Why does it all have to be so fucking difficult?

Another freaking Cyst

Yep that's correct, I had ANOTHER cyst burst on saturday. I have no idea why they are becoming so regular, but this one freakin hurt. It is Monday morning and I am still feeling the pain. Saturday and Sunday I spent basically in the foetal position trying to keep movement to a minimum. Poor hubby had to help me even roll over in bed. Today is just the remaining dull ache.

Hubby got his sperm analysis results back. Quantity Motility all good, Abnormality is at 98%. We are suprised the quantity and motility are good. We were expecting the worst. We are not suprised by the abnormality. Hubby is overweight, nowhere near healthy and has had an infection in his below region for the last two years. This was fixed up by surgery at the beginning of November. But this has spurred us on. A healthy change is necessary if we are wanting children.

With the cysts, I am needing to get stuff organised. I will be stocking up on supplements for us both over the weekend and hopefully in the next 3 months will start to see a difference.

For Hubby: Menevit, Maca Root, Lecithin, fish oil

Me: Saw Palmetto, Vitex, elevit, metformin, natural progesterone cream

Adoption and all the hoo-haa

I must be naive. Or maybe I just see the world in too many rainbows.

I have been reading blogs, (as I do a lot) and there was one woman blasted by posting a adoption terminology post. Keep in mind that she did not write it, she was researching and came across it. Well done to her for trying to be as educated about the process as possible for the child she welcomes into her life.

Now having said that, there were many many comments that were quite nasty to her. And so many negative ones. Now forgive me for my naivety, but I was under the impression that opening up your home to a child was a kind, loving and thoughtful thing. Apparently not. Apparently its a negative thing. There were posts about how selfish it is, that its a negative situation. There were a lot of really angry words from people who had been adopted and many who had adopted children. Am I just seeing this through rose colored glasses? In today's world (Im not talking 30-50 years ago), adoption is something that someone works really really hard to be accepted into and waits and waits praying that they may be given the greatest gift of becoming a parent. Now these people are condemned? What sort of world are we living in? These children for whatever reason, some good, some bad, were no longer able to be raised by their parents and are placed with people who want nothing more than to raise them. How is this a negative thing? I know I'm rambling here, following no real sequence, but I'm just so frustrated.

In Australia, we don't have the option of inter-country adoption, and overseas adoption is near impossible. Personally, we are having to choose between buying a home or getting IVF, and chances are we will choose IVF. Now if a child was placed with me, from what ever circumstance, how could it be negative. I would raise that child with all the love possible, in a safe, stable environment. Please tell me this is a bad thing?

There were also saying that parenting is so much harder then trying for a baby. Maybe it is, but I'll swap a 16 year old rebellious teenager any day, with my current prospect of living without children. Fine...tell me its harder, but lets wait until I have a child in my arms, because right now, this is the biggest struggle I have ever had to face...and Ive had to face a few.

The World is the cruelest thing

So follow on from my post about the two week wait...I am now at day 36.

Now don't get too excited...Any normal person would be getting excited about this. Yeah but not me. I get a feeling of dread.

Ok so lets look at the symptoms I am experiencing:

No Period
Sore Breasts
Complete exhaustion, Im talking a weekend of not much else but sleep
Nausea every morning, and well afternoons also and evenings

So 4 pretty big ones....but guess what...Welcome to PCOS.

It SUX!

I get it, I understand it does this to me, but there will always be a small part of me (hey even big part of me) that holds out, hoping that I am pregnant. But I know that without fail, I take a pregnancy test and then either that afternoon or the next morning Aunt Flo comes knocking.

I don't understand, why does the universe have to be so cruel? I'm sitting here literally trying to swallow the ick from my throat, feeling the nausea creeping up, and just know that its nothing. Well nothing that turns into a baby anyway. I think I could handle the stress of not conceiving if I didnt have a constant reminder every couple of months of what its like to feel pregnant and to go through that week or two wondering 'what if'. And I know most would say just take a test, just to make sure. But honestly its more heartbreaking seeing a lil single line, than it is to find out Aunt Flo arrived.

till next time
moby

Infertility - Our journey so far

Ok, so reading a few blogs, crying at other's heartache I've realised its time for me to be a little more open about our baby journey.

D and I had been together for about a year when we decided that we wanted a baby. A friend had just had her second son, and we were looking after him a lot. D had never been around kids and realised that he could very happily be a dad. So we said, ok we're going to start trying for a baby. We were so excited. He called his mum to tell her, I told my mum, sister and my aunt, just expecting that it would happen. In our minds it would be fine, in a few months Id be pregnant, and we would have a gorgeous bundle of our own. Most people get pregnant in 6 months....right?

But we didnt think about the realities. Hubby had a back accident, the whole sex thing, well it didnt really happen. We tried lots of pills, and nothing. So this went on for another year maybe, then we sort of figured that one out. Yes we were intimate, but Im talking once every few months. In that time I started putting on weight. Im not talking a little bit of weight, Im talking about 5-8kg every 3-6 months. I gathered we were being lazy, ate badly. Which in honestly helped it along. But not to that extent. So fast forward another couple of months. We got that sorted, we got the ovulation predicting right, and still no baby. I get to a point where I think I am, and not just vaguely. I get the nausea, I get the aching breasts, I get the lack of period, but everytime I take a test, I get my period the next day. Eventually after a 50 day cycle and still no period I went to the doctor.

He did some tests and diagnosed me with PCOS. Now, dont think this was a new diagnosis, I always knew that I had it, but was niave in thinking I knew what it meant. I gathered it would be hard to fall pregnant, Id get a burst cyst every now and then, but I never realised after 4 years Id still be waiting. So now we are at the gyno, on Metformin (well I havent taken it in awhile) and about to start Clomid. Well maybe, I was supposed to have lost 8kg, Ive put on 5. But it does get to a point that you give up hope. When does it get to be my turn, how the hell do I lose weight to make it possible. I keep hearing a 10% reduction in body weight greatly enhances your chances, how the crap do I do that??

 I hate having PCOS, I hate that hubby has issues, I hate that we are struggling to have a family, and I really freaking hate having to smile and congratulate those around me with kids. Yes Im sour, but mainly Im just hurting.

Ive been watching Guiliana & Bill, in tears mostly. While Ive never had IVF, I still know how it feels. I know what its like to wonder 'Why the hell us?, we are good people, we can give a child so much'. and I know what its like to wonder why the world is so unjust....why can those who dont deserve it, get so much?

Day 21, 22 & 23

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

Baby pics make me happy, baby's make me happy. 


What can I say..Its just true!
From as long as I can remember, I've always been the one that holds the baby, I was a natural born mum.


Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else


What makes me different? I am loving, caring, affectionate, kind, and patient, I am also cold, callous and impatient. I am a different person with my family and friends than to those who don't know me. 


I am logical, and can work out how to do most things. I will pull apart anything and mostly be able to put it back together, I have no qualms about getting my hands dirty, riding a motorcycle, driving a truck, using power tools. But love makeup, crocheting, and dressing up.  


I would love to go punk, get tattoos, piercings and crazy hair, but want to run courses in deportment. I love paganism, spirituality, and being a free spirit, but love religion, being in a church and the structure of religions. 


 I am everything rolled into one, and I like that. 

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

I crave success and power and stability. 

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have


I have lots of plans, lots of dreams and so many goals and probably too many to list here. 


1. Have my family. I want at least 2 children
2. Have security for my family. This is my most important thing. 
3. Be able to work from home. 
4. Be fit and healthy (probably more a 3 than a 4)
5. Get portraits done of me and hubby
6. I want to own a big big home. I dont want a new one, I want an old one. Something that I can really sink my teeth into and refurbish myself. Decorating from the yard, the floor to the attic. 

Probably more the bottom one, but just not so broken. 

Day 13 - letter to someone who has really hurt you

This is a struggle. Not for any emotional reason, but because I cant think of anything really recent. I'm not trying to say my life is perfect, because obviously it isn't, but I'0m pretty blessed. So, I am going to turn this around. I hate all this focusing on the negatives, I want to write a letter to someone who has made me feel so loved and again, blessed, to have the people in my life that I do. 

My Angel,


It is hard to put in to words how wonderful, and giving you are, and how special you are to D & I. I don't believe many have seen or understand the heartache we go through watching people around us have children, knowing there may be a chance we will never experience it ourselves. We have tried constantly to keep upbeat around others, to make sure that family and friends do not see the grief we feel at missing out on such a special gift. And while you sit, seeming to most to be not bothered by those around you, you see it all. You came to me the other day, at a low time. Again, another pregnancy was announced. You knew the pain I would be feeling. And then you offered us the greatest gift of all, a child.


It is not for any reason, except for fear and love, that we say no. How can we ask that of you? How can we put you through a process which will tear your heart in two? I would be honored to have a child that you carried, that you nurtured and have given life to, but how can I live knowing that for me to have this child, you have to live seeing a child you gave birth to raised by another?  


I want you to know that you will always have a very, very special place in our hearts, and we have not brushed off your offer with ease. I will always stand by your side and fight for what ever you want in life, and will support your decisions and your choices, because you have given me hope. I know that no matter what way we will eventually have to go, we will always have that final option. For that we are eternally grateful. 


With much love
Us xoxox

So there it is, my letter. 


yep Im blessed