Ive been slack

Its been a fortnight or so since I last posted...things have been stressful.

So I am back at uni since the end of November, about the same time as my parents and sister moved in. eeek. Things are going ok so far, but its hard not to notice how terribly he treats them. Its super sad but super true. Its also quite obvious that he is more than content to live wherever and let mum pay the bills out of her carers allowance and drink all day and tinker down at his shed. I am at that stage where I dont say anything. After all these years she has stayed married to him, her choice. But its definitely not the life I expected from her. It makes me appreciate my life so much more.

Hubby had his post op appointment this week. He is to have another operation in the new year. Hopefully that will be the last and he will be all healed. In the mean time we have to get as healthy as possible. He is also having issues at work, so Im a bit afraid that he will either lose his job, or he will get another and then lose it because he will have to go in for the operation.

My work is pretty precarious also. Im waiting for the day when I am told the doors will be closing, I don't think its too far away.

So a quick overview of the last few weeks. Life would be so much easier if only........

The World is pushing down

picture from Health Spa Blog

So to add insult to injury, we woke up this morning to find D had not been paid. This would have been an intentional thing from his work, as they had a go at him yesterday for not handing in his timesheet. Which yep his error, but they knew he worked, he spoke on the phone to his manager about it. Why the fuck can they do this. We honestly live week to week at the moment. I hate doing it, but we are just not getting anywhere money wise and have to. So this has really caused an issue. 

Saving money. Ok what can we do?

1. Not pay any bills this week - eek theres going to be lots of phone calls to do that

2. Eat out of the cupboard - I dont freaking keep much in my cupboard....oh well time to get clever

3. Dont drive around anywhere. Yeah like thats going to be easy

Fuck, I know its not a big list, but we had a car payment come out this week. I have agreed to pay a few things, I wanted to eat. Oh well good time to lost a few kgs I suppose.

Why can't life be simple?

On the flip side (I have to find one to keep sane), its the lil push we needed to really knuckle down and save. So Foxtel will be getting turned off, 2nd car will be sold, time to declutter the home, and rethink our spending in all areas. 

Im sorry xmas, you have been cancelled.

BIPOLAR - Why I hate your guts

Let me start off by saying that I love my husband. He is one of the best things that have ever happened to me, and I can't imagine being without him.

That being said, I hate his Bipolar. Bipolar is one of the hardest things I have ever had to face.

I try to see Bipolar as separate to him, it isn't really, but it helps me get through some of 'those' days. Today is one of those days. See, I just got a call from hubby, work isn't going so well. Things are getting nasty and the way its looking it wont be long until he calls me telling me one of two things: he has either quit or been fired. Now I'd like to say that this isn't a common thing, unfortunately it is.

For some reason everything is horrid, the world is against him, they are all morons, the place is shit. Don't think I don't believe him, some things do seem really crap. But not everything is on their part, D has a part in it too. The bipolar in him is aggressive, it takes things and twists them around and turns them into something they're not. It can make an innocent issue turn into some cruel vendetta marked for him. I just wish we could find a way for it not to be the case. How do we turn paranoia, aggression, impatience and lack of organisation around, so that he remains employable?

When I was younger I always saw my hubby as successful, stable, supportive, and at times he fits the bill, just not at the moment. The Capricorn in me needs this, the Bipolar in him though needs something different. Bipolar in all honesty is such a selfish condition. I'll try to sound as unselfish as possible. Sometimes it is about me too. But hell thats another post..

Just wanted to say BIPOLAR SUX

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then

This pic is from this year. Heavier but happier. Below is the pic from last year. I still recognise my face in the pic last year, I seem to have lost it this year.

I was a lot healthier last year also. This year I have suffered pretty badly because of the PCOS. I have had a few cysts burst, and major issues with ears and face infections due to sinus and allergy issues. My health is slowly getting better, but it has definitely taken its toll on weight and even just the clarity of my skin. 

Emotionally, I am a lot happier this year though. Yesterday hubby and I celebrated 5 years together, and are the happiest we have ever been. Life is good. We dont have a lot of money, we dont spend a lot of time with other people, but we are content. Hopefully next year everything will merge and not only will we continue being happy, but hopefully I will be a lot healthier also. 

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

I married my husband after being engaged for 2 months and together 2 years. We have had some super rocky times, where honestly I didn't think we would make it, but this year we will be celebrating 3 years of marriage, and in 6 days, 5 years together. 5 is my magic number. No longer are we 'newly weds' or a 'young' couple, we are committed, and a happily married 'old' couple. 

D and I have been through the wringers and back. After a world of lies and half truths, fights etc, we found out that D has bi-polar. I know that this is not an excuse, but it was because of this diagnosis that we were able to get help, and learn to deal with what this metal health issue threw at us. Life can be rocky, and it can be frustrating, but I cant imagine my life without him. And honestly there are days that he frustrates me so badly that I am ready to just bite him...lol. It is definitely a learning experience. Together we have fun, he has taught me that life is to enjoy, that I dont need to be the serious one. He has taught me that there is something so much better than the fairy tales. Together him and I can conquer the world, we can follow our dreams, and we will always have that person by our side to fall back on and I cant think of a better man to spend my life with. 

The other thing that I gained with D was his name.I know this is a bit odd for me to make a point of, but its something that I never truly had. I was named at birth with my mother's maiden name, at 12, my father decided I was to have his, so I was to drop my original last name. Then at 15 I decided that I should not have been made to change without my input and hyphenated it. Then when I was 18, legally I had to revert to my mothers maiden name (she never got around to legally changing it). For so many years my name kept changing, it was never mine, I had no link to it, no ownership. Then I married D. No longer was my name changed to whatever someone felt like, I was Mrs S. It is mine, no one can take it from me, that is my name. And as I have told D, if for any reason we divorce, I will remain Ms S. Its my freaking name, I worked hard for it, Its mine!