The World is the cruelest thing

So follow on from my post about the two week wait...I am now at day 36.

Now don't get too excited...Any normal person would be getting excited about this. Yeah but not me. I get a feeling of dread.

Ok so lets look at the symptoms I am experiencing:

No Period
Sore Breasts
Complete exhaustion, Im talking a weekend of not much else but sleep
Nausea every morning, and well afternoons also and evenings

So 4 pretty big ones....but guess what...Welcome to PCOS.

It SUX!

I get it, I understand it does this to me, but there will always be a small part of me (hey even big part of me) that holds out, hoping that I am pregnant. But I know that without fail, I take a pregnancy test and then either that afternoon or the next morning Aunt Flo comes knocking.

I don't understand, why does the universe have to be so cruel? I'm sitting here literally trying to swallow the ick from my throat, feeling the nausea creeping up, and just know that its nothing. Well nothing that turns into a baby anyway. I think I could handle the stress of not conceiving if I didnt have a constant reminder every couple of months of what its like to feel pregnant and to go through that week or two wondering 'what if'. And I know most would say just take a test, just to make sure. But honestly its more heartbreaking seeing a lil single line, than it is to find out Aunt Flo arrived.

till next time
moby

WAHM.....well not so much the Mum part

I really want to break into the work at home field, how do I do it? I have been checking out a few different ideas and nothing seems to be working. Hubby suggests that I spend a few months sewing, working up a bit of stock and then hit the markets. I am not 100% sure on this. If I make say, 5 burp cloths an hour, I can sell 3 for $20. So approx $40 an hour I get in hand, materials around $15 an hour, Im working for $25 an hour. And thats 'if' I can do 5. Im not 100% sure that I can. Hell I havent even got one made.

Other options....

Product reviews, I can do this, I'll get maybe $1 per review, it will take about 30mins per review. ummm $2 an hour?? I dont think so.

Writing articles..I dont think my writing skills are quite on par with writers who spend years at university refining their art.

Copywriting, I haven't got the experience, or the qualifications.

At home data entry, I am looking into this one.

Virtual assistant, I am looking into this one also.

I just really want to get out of the 9-5 environment, I'm just losing the motivation.

Uni

Ok...its starting....so much for the stress free few months....eeek

My future

Ok so I have been spending the last few weeks trying to figure out and make a plan of what I want to do with my life. I have so many ideas, so many things that I want to accomplish.

Ideas:

Psychology
Life Coaching
Writer
Editor
Crafty Mum extraordinaire
PR / Management
Marketing
Etiquette/ Deportment Classes/training
Web design/Graphic design
Celebrant
Photography

How do i figure it out? I want to be interested when I go to work. Motivated to do something. How can I get good at something fast so that I can get away from being a bookkeeper? I hate doing what Im doing. Not just a little bit, but I have no motivation or want to keep doing this for another year. How can I transfer my skills into something else, even just for the meantime?

Infertility - Our journey so far

Ok, so reading a few blogs, crying at other's heartache I've realised its time for me to be a little more open about our baby journey.

D and I had been together for about a year when we decided that we wanted a baby. A friend had just had her second son, and we were looking after him a lot. D had never been around kids and realised that he could very happily be a dad. So we said, ok we're going to start trying for a baby. We were so excited. He called his mum to tell her, I told my mum, sister and my aunt, just expecting that it would happen. In our minds it would be fine, in a few months Id be pregnant, and we would have a gorgeous bundle of our own. Most people get pregnant in 6 months....right?

But we didnt think about the realities. Hubby had a back accident, the whole sex thing, well it didnt really happen. We tried lots of pills, and nothing. So this went on for another year maybe, then we sort of figured that one out. Yes we were intimate, but Im talking once every few months. In that time I started putting on weight. Im not talking a little bit of weight, Im talking about 5-8kg every 3-6 months. I gathered we were being lazy, ate badly. Which in honestly helped it along. But not to that extent. So fast forward another couple of months. We got that sorted, we got the ovulation predicting right, and still no baby. I get to a point where I think I am, and not just vaguely. I get the nausea, I get the aching breasts, I get the lack of period, but everytime I take a test, I get my period the next day. Eventually after a 50 day cycle and still no period I went to the doctor.

He did some tests and diagnosed me with PCOS. Now, dont think this was a new diagnosis, I always knew that I had it, but was niave in thinking I knew what it meant. I gathered it would be hard to fall pregnant, Id get a burst cyst every now and then, but I never realised after 4 years Id still be waiting. So now we are at the gyno, on Metformin (well I havent taken it in awhile) and about to start Clomid. Well maybe, I was supposed to have lost 8kg, Ive put on 5. But it does get to a point that you give up hope. When does it get to be my turn, how the hell do I lose weight to make it possible. I keep hearing a 10% reduction in body weight greatly enhances your chances, how the crap do I do that??

 I hate having PCOS, I hate that hubby has issues, I hate that we are struggling to have a family, and I really freaking hate having to smile and congratulate those around me with kids. Yes Im sour, but mainly Im just hurting.

Ive been watching Guiliana & Bill, in tears mostly. While Ive never had IVF, I still know how it feels. I know what its like to wonder 'Why the hell us?, we are good people, we can give a child so much'. and I know what its like to wonder why the world is so unjust....why can those who dont deserve it, get so much?

2 week wait

Ok so Im at the end of yet another 2 week wait. Ive been feeling queasy, but I'm not holding my breath, though in all honesty its a bit hard not to hold onto a little bit hope. Im too scared to take a test though cos i know it will say no. Isnt that stupid?!?!?! It just sux that you can want something so much but have so little faith that it will ever happen. I think if I ever got that lil positive sign or second line I will either faint, throw up or burst into tears. Well thats if I even believe it to be true. 

I hear so many people stress about the two week wait, thats never really been too much of an issues, its what happens after. When my cycle can go out to 45-50 days and I sit in hope that just maybe the tests aren't right, and that I am pregnant. I get all the symptoms, sore boobs, hideous sickness and lots of bloating. So yes lets see how the next few days go, but again Im not going to hold my breath.

Lies....

"A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity" ~ Bathasar Gracian

OK, lets talk lies..... I have a real issue with lies, they erode the very foundation of any relationship.  Hubby has been sneaking cigarettes, ok, not that bad a thing, but he keeps lying. When I ask blatantly, 'did you buy cigarettes' and he says no....its a lie. All these little lies add up to a lot of mistrust. He doesnt quite understand. Now dont get me wrong, its not all about cigarettes, we do have a history or issues with lie, but I thought we were over it, turns out, we aren't. I come from a family of liars, its the one thing that is a deal breaker for me. My alcoholic father used to promise us the world. It took us a long time and many heartbroken moments to realise that we cant believe a word out of his mouth, I didnt want to spend my adult years the same. But here I am at nearly 28, going through it with D. D has bi-polar, and a fucked up childhood, and yes it helps to justify in his head the lies, but we need to find a way out of this.  I do need to do more research on bi-polar, because the two are linked, but where do I draw the line between just an excuse and a real reason? How do I know that if it is part of the bipolar, that I am emotionally capable of dealing with it?  How do I trust him? How do I trust him not to go looking for something elsewhere?