Fears

There are many things I fear in this world, some rational, some very irational, but I have had to face many in 2010.

Some of my fears
1. Losing my husband
2. Losing my sister/mum
3. Being poor
4. Being homeless
5. Living with my folks again.

My husband and I have been close to splitting a few times, but over the last year we seem to have welded ourselves together much more firmly. So I feel quite content.

We came very close to losing my sister in June. She broke her neck during an epileptic seizure. The broken neck was left undiagnosed for 4 days by  our hospital and was picked up by our local GP. He is our angel.

In February the Insulation scheme in Australia went bust. Both hubby and I  and my family were involved. We were left with nothing at a moments notice. We were without jobs for 6 weeks and came very close to not being able to afford to pay our rent or buy food. It is nearing Christmas and we are only just getting on top of everything now. I NEVER want to be back in that position. This time last year we had a few thousand tucked away, bills paid without thinking, they just came out of our account, and we were quite content about going into xmas. This year we live week to week and are scared stiff that we wont be able to afford it. But such is life, we have a roof over our heads.

And to top all this off, my folks are moving in with us on Saturday. Dont get me wrong, I love my mum to bits, but my dad is an alcoholic and we clash big time. I have very definite ideas on how he should treat my mum, unfortunately he doesnt agree. So it will be a big learning experience in patience. That and hoping that we use the opportunity to save money and that they get back on their feet sooner rather than later.

eek

Gyno appointment

So I had my follow up Gyno appointment this morning and the news sucked honestly. D's sperm analysis came back ok except for 98% abnormality. They expect that with healthy lifestyle it should go down. My doc said though that if it doesnt, then we have no other option except IVF. I also am required to lose 15kg by my next appointment. He wants me to seriously consider weight loss surgery. 

I am pretty devastated by the news. I think this is the first time I have really looked at the possiblity that we might have to do IVF. And I know there are so many people who have to, but I just didnt want to. I wanted to fall pregnant easily, have my beautiful healthy babies and just be normal. Why can't life be like this? Why does it all have to be so fucking difficult?

Getting healthy

noodlepadoodle.com

I have my appointment with my gyno tomorrow. I have failed to lose weight (I gained 7kg) and I am really unhealthy. I have been following a lady on twitter who has done a detox for the last week or so and is doing quite well. It's time I did another. It has been probably about 4-5 years since I have done a proper cleanse. I keep wanting to but never really follow it through. I am super unhealthy, living on pain killer and have to break this cycle. I will be doing fruit, veg, nuts and leave white meats. I am hauling D in for the ride. Thankfully we freakin get paid tonite. 

On the home front, I rehomed my beautiful Bella last night. 

We had to get rid of her friend a few weeks ago as he kept digging and we are in a rental house. Since then she has become lonely and moping. She unfortunately also decided she was going to attack small animals. Since we are about to start fertility treatments we realised a. we dont have the time she needs, and b. do we want her around a baby. We have been keeping her inside so honestly it was time for her to be placed somewhere else. We found a wonderful lady who had a 1 year old boy who needed a friend. She is super wonderful with her boy, and I believe Belle is going to love her new home. Though this didnt stop me sobbing last night having to say goodbye. I am very very grateful to the wonderful lady for helping us, but feel a massive amount of guilt that I gave away my girl. 

Housewise, we are doing ok.Kitchen has been cleaned each night, and more and more crap is being put away. I am hoping to sort out the office this weekend, and that will be the last room done. From there it is just a matter of tidying each day, and doing a thorough, deep clean. I am hoping to do this over the next few weekends before xmas. This will be one less thing taking up my time and energy. 

Still no pay

Im getting impatient. We expected D's pay to go in on Thursday night, it's now Tuesday and nothing. I would'nt care so much if this was a year ago. We would have had a few k in the bank which was a bit of an emergency fund. The last year though we have been living week to week. It's more than a lil scary.


Today I'll put some money in the car, but I think I might have to do some cooking tonite for lunches tomorrow. On the bright side, the shopping I do once we are paid should last the two weeks.


My plan this week is to organise the fridge and pantry.


Will get a few baskets (just plastic $2 ones) for spices and bottles
wait for Penny Miller catalogue to grab a can organiser and shelf insert
Put all flours/box mixes in plastic stackable containers
Spices in basket

Howards Storage

Later On
Produce bins for onions, potato & pumpkin & Plate Stacker (but Ill need to get a round dinner set for that)

Howards Storage World

Howards Storage World
Plate Stacker

I also like the drawer dividers from Howards Storage World, though Im sure Id be able to pick up similar from ebay or ikea. I also need to clean out my drawers. how do people get away with only this many items. Well this is just for show. But only one drawer full? Do they have some on the bench? I like the wooden handles on these. And the white plastic with them. I'm also thinking that I need to put out silver cutlery away and buy a cheap set for daily use. The good ones are getting rust on them from the dishwasher (easily scrubbed off tho), but the set is too big to fit in the drawers. The other option is to make custom dividers.

Food Prep wise: I want to try the Sunday Set-up Idea from Kathy Kaehler. 

Organise all meals, do the prep work and put them in snaplock containers in the fridge. Then when D & I are feeling lazy, its just a matter or pulling out the components and putting on the stove. Plus I can keep it all quite healthy. Woolworths has the containers for $3 each this week. I can also then get D another lunchbox and cooler bag and set up his lunches for the week also. 

It all sounds ok to me.

Another freaking Cyst

Yep that's correct, I had ANOTHER cyst burst on saturday. I have no idea why they are becoming so regular, but this one freakin hurt. It is Monday morning and I am still feeling the pain. Saturday and Sunday I spent basically in the foetal position trying to keep movement to a minimum. Poor hubby had to help me even roll over in bed. Today is just the remaining dull ache.

Hubby got his sperm analysis results back. Quantity Motility all good, Abnormality is at 98%. We are suprised the quantity and motility are good. We were expecting the worst. We are not suprised by the abnormality. Hubby is overweight, nowhere near healthy and has had an infection in his below region for the last two years. This was fixed up by surgery at the beginning of November. But this has spurred us on. A healthy change is necessary if we are wanting children.

With the cysts, I am needing to get stuff organised. I will be stocking up on supplements for us both over the weekend and hopefully in the next 3 months will start to see a difference.

For Hubby: Menevit, Maca Root, Lecithin, fish oil

Me: Saw Palmetto, Vitex, elevit, metformin, natural progesterone cream

The World is pushing down

picture from Health Spa Blog

So to add insult to injury, we woke up this morning to find D had not been paid. This would have been an intentional thing from his work, as they had a go at him yesterday for not handing in his timesheet. Which yep his error, but they knew he worked, he spoke on the phone to his manager about it. Why the fuck can they do this. We honestly live week to week at the moment. I hate doing it, but we are just not getting anywhere money wise and have to. So this has really caused an issue. 

Saving money. Ok what can we do?

1. Not pay any bills this week - eek theres going to be lots of phone calls to do that

2. Eat out of the cupboard - I dont freaking keep much in my cupboard....oh well time to get clever

3. Dont drive around anywhere. Yeah like thats going to be easy

Fuck, I know its not a big list, but we had a car payment come out this week. I have agreed to pay a few things, I wanted to eat. Oh well good time to lost a few kgs I suppose.

Why can't life be simple?

On the flip side (I have to find one to keep sane), its the lil push we needed to really knuckle down and save. So Foxtel will be getting turned off, 2nd car will be sold, time to declutter the home, and rethink our spending in all areas. 

Im sorry xmas, you have been cancelled.

BIPOLAR - Why I hate your guts

Let me start off by saying that I love my husband. He is one of the best things that have ever happened to me, and I can't imagine being without him.

That being said, I hate his Bipolar. Bipolar is one of the hardest things I have ever had to face.

I try to see Bipolar as separate to him, it isn't really, but it helps me get through some of 'those' days. Today is one of those days. See, I just got a call from hubby, work isn't going so well. Things are getting nasty and the way its looking it wont be long until he calls me telling me one of two things: he has either quit or been fired. Now I'd like to say that this isn't a common thing, unfortunately it is.

For some reason everything is horrid, the world is against him, they are all morons, the place is shit. Don't think I don't believe him, some things do seem really crap. But not everything is on their part, D has a part in it too. The bipolar in him is aggressive, it takes things and twists them around and turns them into something they're not. It can make an innocent issue turn into some cruel vendetta marked for him. I just wish we could find a way for it not to be the case. How do we turn paranoia, aggression, impatience and lack of organisation around, so that he remains employable?

When I was younger I always saw my hubby as successful, stable, supportive, and at times he fits the bill, just not at the moment. The Capricorn in me needs this, the Bipolar in him though needs something different. Bipolar in all honesty is such a selfish condition. I'll try to sound as unselfish as possible. Sometimes it is about me too. But hell thats another post..

Just wanted to say BIPOLAR SUX